Last Laugh

My Marital Advice

By Clint McElroy

Ladies and gentlemen, wave goodbye to the Bachelor Macs. The last two unmarried McElroy boys have taken the trek down the aisle, joining their oldest brother Justin in matrimonial bliss.

My son Griffin and Teresa got hitched in Cincinnati in a lovely ceremony marred only by their decision to have me sing. I performed the song they chose, “Being Alive” by Stephen Sondheim, which is an amazing piece about the importance of love in our lives. I think my choice of “Disco Inferno” by the Tramps would have been a better choice, but what can you do?

And my son Travis and Rachel tied the knot in Austin, Texas. To compound Griffin and Teresa’s error of having me sing, this bride and groom actually asked me to perform the ceremony!

I had to think long and hard about gifts for the new couples. I didn’t want to give them something that had no personal attachment. I didn’t want to choose a gift that would have no special purpose in their lives. And I did not want to spend money. I am notoriously cheap. That’s why I always go to the restaurant bathroom immediately before the check comes.

So, I decided to give them something invaluable and at no expense to me – advice.

Yea, verily, unto my sons didst I bequeatheth knowledge that will allow their marriages to continue through the years.

You see, every so often, wives ask questions, difficult questions, questions that seem impossible to answer without a crockpot being heaved at your head. Since I have crockpot-shaped indentations in five different spots in my skull, I told them the right way and the wrong way to answer these questions:

If I died would you re-marry?
Right answer: “I don’t see how I could ever get married again with my heart completely broken.”
Wrong answer: “Why? Did one of your friends say she’s interested in me? Is it that hot redhead who works at Roosters?”

Am I a better cook than your mother?
Right answer: “It’s pretty close, but your food is better”
Wrong answer: “Sure. Mom’s chow made me hurl every time. Yours just makes me nauseous.”

Do these pants make me look fat?
Right answer: “I have never seen you look more amazing.”
Wrong answer: “No, waves of light bouncing off your humongous rear end, entering into my eyes, being absorbed by photoreceptors and sending impulses along the optical nerve to my brain, make you look fat.”

Did you notice that the man at the next table is staring at me?
Right answer: “Who can blame him? You’re the most beautiful woman in the restaurant.”
Wrong answer: “Did you come back from the bathroom with toilet paper on your shoe again?”

Would it be alright if we cuddled first?
Right answer: “Good Plan!”
Wrong answer: “Good Bye!”

Do you want to go to the mall with me?
Right answer: “Absolutely! You can only watch so many football games, right?”
Wrong answer: “Absolutely! Just let me flip over to the Weather Channel so I can find out just exactly what time Hell did freeze over.”

Were you looking at that blonde?
Right answer: “Yes, because I was thinking how much better you would look in that sweater.”
Wrong answer: “........”

Did your father ever give you marital advice?
Right answer: “No.”
Wrong answer: “Yes. Some bull about how to answer your questions. Ask him about it.”

And the adventure continues...

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