Hello, Mr. Bolen!

By Clint McElroy

When somebody makes the cover of this magazine as Alex Bolen, the CEO of Oscar de la Renta has, you know they are a person of accomplishment and renown. You know they are very deserving of the honor cause Editor Jack Houvouras don’t pick no slouches. And you know they are going to read the magazine.

I’m an optimist.

I’d like to think that if Mr. Bolen checks out the issue of HQ with his mug on the front cover, he’ll read it cover to cover and stumble across my column.

I’m also an opportunist.

Hello, Mr. Bolen! My name is Clint McElroy and I am ready to help you revolutionize the fashion world for the next 50 years!

I guess I am what you would call a “fashion maven,” influencing people for decades regarding the clothes, hairstyles and makeup they wear. I would like to offer my services to you and your company. As evidence of my talents, I submit to you the following portfolio of my work:

Right off the bat, I realized the importance stripes can play in your wardrobe. At the age of 5 I mistakenly wore horizontal stripes which made me look heavy. But by age 7, I had figured out that vertical stripes were slimming.

But not as slimming as sucking in your gut – Michael Phelps has said he stole this look from me.

During my middle school years, I went through a bit of a formal period. Oh sure, I took some grief from the less enlightened members of the student body, but my fashion sense was widely admired. As I recall, my paisley tie was a big influence on the artist formerly known as Prince.

During my time at Marshall University, I focused all my energy on trendsetting hairstyles. I single-handedly brought the shag haircut back into the national spotlight. Along with the cheesy handlebar moustache. I ushered in the Chico and the Man look.

As a young radio industry professional, the dress code said I had to wear a tie. But being a rebel, I refused to knot it. Plus, I didn’t know how. I still don’t.

Radio thrust me into the public eye quite a bit, and I realized I was representing the station everywhere I went. At the same time, I felt the need to push the fashion envelope by embracing trends others shunned such as the “Scout look.”

Later I rocked the kilt which Guns N’ Roses front man Axl Rose eventually stole from me.

My approach to makeup was revolutionary. Eventually, I spearheaded the “Fall-Asleep-Near-A-4-Year-Old” movement, which I believe Glamour dubbed “Floozy Chic.”

I think you will agree, Mr. Bolen, that I possess very special gifts I can bring to the world of haute couture. I look forward to working with you in New York City.

P.S. It doesn’t have to be a corner office, but I am going to need Hamilton tickets. And hair gel.

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