Food for Thought

By Clint McElroy


It was pretty cool to open my email a few weeks ago and find a job offer from Alex Bolen, the CEO of Oscar de la Renta. Well, sort of …

Alex (or Al, as I call him) was on the cover of the last HQ, and in my column I offered to work for him in New York City and lend my extensive fashion expertise to his company. In his email he didn’t exactly say “yes,” but he didn’t exactly say “no” either, which I took as an encouraging sign!

It is, however, proof positive that there are powerful, influential people reading my column. What’s more, they value the wisdom I dispense. That got me to thinking: “Whom shall I sprinkle my raindrops of inspiration upon in this issue?” In light of our region’s obsession with food (as so clearly highlighted in this edition of HQ that you’re holding in your hot little hands) the answer was obvious — restaurateurs!

So, I got together with friend and artist Alex Flanigan, and we came up with five different restaurants we feel would thrive in our region.

There are mucho Mexican restaurants across the Tri-State, which show there is great demand for cuisine south of the border. But what about our neighbors to the north? Ladies and gentlemen, savor the best in Canadian cuisine at Hosers. You can find it all here — Canadian Bacon, Poutine, Labatt Blue, Canadian Bacon (I know I already said that once, but Wikipedia really let me down here). Take off for Hosers!

Food establishments in our area are doing a terrible job targeting one type of diner — those who like nasty foods. Now, there’s Grosseries. They specialize in those strange mystery foods you see in the supermarket and immediately turn away from in disgust. If you have a hankering for scrapple, head cheese or tripe, then Grosseries fits the bill.

Fusion is all the rage. Combining different styles of cooking and experimenting with different flavors has added almost infinite varieties to our dining experiences. Our fusion restaurant combines great food with oneness of body, mind and spirit. Introducing Nama-Tastey, a combination eatery and yoga studio. Be restored and well fed with our Chicken Legs-Up-The-Wall. You can open up your hips and enjoy the yummy goodness of Half-Lord of the Fish Sticks. And you can build inner core strength while munching on a couple of Downward-Facing Corn Dogs.

Of course, you can’t go wrong with home-cookin’ and there’s no home-cookin’ like the meals they serve at Aunt Frannie’s Kitchen. Whether it’s dry, nasty pot roast, or potatoes that taste like they were mashed with a soccer team’s feet, you’ll never taste anything like the dishes cooked by Aunt Frannie. That’s because she’s a terrible cook! Always has been! But her family has never said a word because they don’t want to hurt her feelings. Instead, they set her up with her own restaurant so they wouldn’t have to eat her revolting dishes anymore.

If you like pizza, then we think you’re going to love Smidge-A-Tini’s. First came pizza, then pizza-by-the-slice. But Smidge-A-Tini’s specializes in pizza-by-the-bite! Choose from a wide variety of toppings and cheeses, and then take a big ol’ bite. Now with a convenient drive-thru, you can place your order, pull around and have a big ol’ nosh. If you’re still hungry, just circle around and have seconds. We don’t care. Just keep circling around and keep on biting.

So, entrepreneurs, free up those checkbooks because these five ideas are surefire winners. Trust me. And diners, strap on those napkins. You can thank me later.

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