By Clint McElroy
HQ 48 | SUMMER 2003
Unless you’re one of those faithful Clint McElroy fans who immediately turns to the last page when he or she gets their new Huntington Quarterly (Hi Mom, how’s Florida?) then you probably already know I appeared in Huntington Outdoor Theater’s production of “Annie Get Your Gun” this summer.
Since I’ve been in many H.O.T. productions in the past, I know I have to be in tip-top shape to survive the heat and humidity. It has nothing to do with the fact that the director said to me: “Hey chunky, if you’re going to play Frank Butler, you need to lop off about 20 pounds.” Dr. Atkins can only do so much, meaning it was time to increase my amount of exercise. So I did what I always do: I walked.
Once again, I joined the ranks of the R.P.W.’s – the Ritter Park Walkers. We are an elite group and not everyone can survive our rigorous requirements, but at great personal risk to myself I will share with you some of our rules.
WARMING UP: Ask any serious runner or walker and they will tell you, the key to avoiding injury is to make sure you are properly warmed up. I say…hooey. You’ve been walking since you were a year old, if you aren’t warmed up by now then you need to find a new mode of transportation. The only reason I’ve seen for people to warm up is so they can choose which direction they’re going to walk: clock-wise or counter-clock-wise. That’s more important than you think.
DIRECTION: You see, the amazing thing about being a Ritter Park Walker is that most of us aren’t really there to get in shape and make ourselves healthier, but to let everybody see that we’re getting in shape and making ourselves healthier. It’s as if you anticipate running into your doctor or insurance agent and he’s going to say: “Well good for Bob, he’s out trying to improve his health. I’m going to knock $50 off his premium.” This is why it’s so important to choose the right direction, because you want to pass the maximum number of other RPW’s. So use your so-called “warm-up” time to gauge the flow.
VIEW: Paradoxically, even though we’re all there to make sure a lot of people see us, no one is supposed to look at anyone else. Eye contact is strictly forbidden and if you should have the audacity to actually speak to another RPW, you may be asked to leave the premises. Jack Houvouras informs me that the wearing of really dark sunglasses allows you to stare and leer all you want…as long as you don’t turn your head directly towards the person and make wolf call sounds.
OPPOSITE SEX: This brings us to a very ticklish subject among RPW’s. Some view the track as an oval-shaped singles bar, designed to allow you to see potential mates in motion…sort of a meat market where the beef is still on the hoof. I can safely say this is not something I am familiar with. About four steps into my walking regimen I’m sweating like an ice sculpture in a sauna and making these disturbing grunting sounds. What woman can resist, no? But the “no eye contact” rule is even stricter here. Gentlemen: DO NOT look at an attractive woman passing you, no matter how skimpy the top or how tight the shorts. Even if she’s made up like she’s going to the Oscars, with a $100 hairdo, and wearing more jewelry than Mr. T, remember: SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HER! And you’re a filthy beast for even considering it.
SQUIRRELS: I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but I believe there is a highly-organized network of squirrels on this planet. If you do something to one of them anywhere, every other squirrel across the globe finds out about it and terrorizes you no matter where you walk. I assume they use the internet. All I know is a friend of mine once fed a squirrel in California one of those Styrofoam packing things shaped like a peanut. Two years later he was brutally attacked by a furry-tailed fiend in a park 2,000 miles away in Ohio, and to this day he can only speak in a barely-intelligible high-pitched whisper.
RUNNERS: You may notice I haven’t really touched upon those who run that much. To me they are a totally different species, completely incomprehensible. The only type of runner I want to address is the mom who runs while pushing the baby stroller. Ladies: Please stop. You can’t see them, but your children are terrified by this. Babies have no long term memory and they forget you’re back there. All they know is they’re careening along a track at breakneck speeds, with no brake pedal in sight. I have a theory that among a large portion of babies raised in this decade, their first words will be “HELP MEEEEE!”
So, if you think you’re up to the challenge, ready to be all that you can be, come join the ranks of the RPW’s. Just remember: No talking!
