By Clint McElroy
HQ 68 | SUMMER/AUTUMN 2009
I fear Jamie Oliver.
Oh yes, brothers and sisters, that Jamie Oliver – the Naked Chef. (That’s not why I fear him, by the way. I’ve spent enough time in the locker room at the YMCA not to fear the sight of naked men. Wait, that didn’t come out right …)
I am talking about the same Jamie Oliver currently residing in our fair city, walking the streets of Huntington as a film crew documents his adventures. These documented adventures will form the basis of a reality show aimed at reducing the waistlines of Huntingtonians in general, a goal I am all in favor of (See previous parenthetical note.)
Let me say, I am a big Jamie Oliver fan. I watched his show when he first burst on the televised culinary landscape. I’ve read Jamie’s Kitchen and Jamie’s Italy. My TiVo has Jamie at Home in third place on my Season Pass Manager, right behind Fringe and Big Bang Theory. So, why the fear, precious, precious friends? I fear a threat so dire that it makes strong men weep and weak men need a change of undergarments.
The threat of … Reality television!
“Oh no, brother Clint!” comes the cry from the congregation. “How can you fear reality television? Everybody loves reality television!”
Brothers and sisters, I say to you, reality television must be resisted! True, the TV networks love reality television because it is cheap and easy to make, but so was Wanda Jeanine Whipsnade when I was a junior at Marshall — but that’s another story!
I have no doubt that Jamie Oliver’s show is going to be thoughtful, responsible television and not show us in a bad light. I’ve spoken to his production people. I’ve been to the meetings. I am sure that this program will be something we can all be proud of. But, I must warn you, flock, that once you open the door to reality television film crews… can you ever really shut it again?
Today it’s the Naked Chef preparing an egg white soufflé at the Marshall Culinary School. Tomorrow, it’s Tila Tequila doing pole dances in front of the Cabell County Library!
We’re not going to be able to turn around without bumping into a reality television film crew! Heed me, children!
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Flavor Flav will be trying to wear the courthouse clock around his neck!
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The fishermen of Deadliest Catch will be pulling nets full of bluegills from East Lynn Lake!
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And everywhere you look there are going to be Kardashians! Here a Kardashian! There a Kardashian! Everywhere Kardashians!
There will be Bachelors and Bachelorettes in Barboursville! Jon and Kate on Channel 8! The housemates from Big Brother will be skinny-dipping in the Big Sandy! The Next Top Models will be walking the runway at Tri-State Airport! Dogs and cats will be living together! Mass hysteria!!!
I think having Jamie Oliver here is a wonderful thing … really. The show he’s doing just might change our lives in a very positive way. So, let’s do that show and no more!
Alright, go ahead and laugh.
But when the Real Housewives of Atlanta show up at your doorstep wanting to borrow a cup of vodka, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
