By Clint McElroy
HQ 79 | AUTUMN 2012
I don’t know if you’ve heard or not, but Steven Spielberg – Speelio, as I call him – wants to do a fifth Indiana Jones movie. The first three were amazing. The fourth one, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, was awful. Scrape-off-the-bottom-of-your-shoe awful. My dad’s home movies of road crews building Highway 93 into Ironton were more compelling and had better character development. (The story arc of Lou the Concrete Pouring Guy was moving.)
So, to help out, I’ve written a screenplay for the next Indy movie – based on a real incident in my life.
I have a real good feeling about this, unless, of course, Speelio reads that part I just wrote about scraping off the bottom of your shoe. Of course I can’t use the name Indiana Jones in a spec script, so I put myself in as a sort of place-holder – and, you know, Harrison Ford ain’t getting any younger.
Here it is, a sneak peek of a scene from Clintiana Jones and the Container of Fire:
Interior shot: A dark cavernous room. Or a dark roomy cavern. It’s hard to tell due to the darkness and the cavernosity. There is a single nimbus of light. Within that nimbus crouch two figures: one is the ruggedly handsome (and a bit chubby) Clintiana Jones. He wears a well-worn fedora and familiar leather jacket. Beside him is his young companion Shortround. Clintiana and Shortround study a mysterious artifact perched on a small pillar before them.
Shortround: Doctor Jones, Doctor Jones!
Clintiana: Keep it down, Shorty. These walls could cave in at any time.
Shortround: Sorry, Clinty, my friend. But what are we doing here?
Clintiana: What we are always doing, kid. Searching for the most priceless objects in the world. Objects that have been lost to time but have immeasurable value to mankind.
Shortround: And this is one of those things?
Clintiana: Don’t let appearances fool you. Lives have been lost, kingdoms have fallen and civilizations have crumbled because of this very thing.
Shortround: Sounds dangerous, Doctor Jones.
Clintiana: It can be, Shorty … in the wrong hands.
Shortround: Then let’s just leave it alone, Clinty.
Clintiana: Can’t do that kid. There are some people who are paying us a lot of money to bring this back.
Shortround: But you said “in the wrong hands”-
Clintiana: I know what I said, kid. I can’t be responsible for what they do with this object.
Shortround: What is it called?
Clintiana: It’s called … a Jar of Hots.
Shortround: Jar of Hots?
Clintiana: Yeah. The last time anyone saw Hots was almost 50 years ago. Legend has it that a powerful wizard named Frank could use them to transform an ordinary steak sandwich into something magical.
Shortround: Good magic?
Clintiana: Powerful magic. And like anything powerful, it could be used for good or evil.
Shortround: I’m afraid, Doctor Jones.
Clintiana: You should be. Those steak sandwiches at Frank’s Sandwich Shop were amazing. If you got one with “a few Hots” you would break out in a sweat. If you went with “some Hots,” you could likely be found curled up in the fetal position, crying like a baby. But if you chose “full-on Hots,” every hair on your body burst into flames, your internal organs liquefied and your skin glowed in the dark for three days.
Shortround: Let’s just go, Clintiana! Leave it here!
Clintiana: No way, kid! Think of the power I could have! I’ll keep them for myself! Soon, all of Huntington will be burning and liquefying and glowing just like the good old days!
Clintiana grabs the jar. The walls start to collapse! Clintiana and Shortround run for their lives, barely escaping the crumbling walls.
Clintiana Jones will return in Clintiana Jones and the Sandwich Shop of Doom!
And the adventure continues…
