By Clint McElroy
HQ 98 | SUMMER 2017
This issue’s article about statues in Huntington is terrific. It impressed me with the beauty of these true works of art and it educated me about the people they honor. And it really gave me cause to ponder: I wonder what MY statue will look like?
I’m fairly sure it’s going to happen. Look at all the things I’ve accomplished in my life:
- All the medical breakthroughs I pioneered — I was the one who discovered facial hair as a cure for acne.
- My many advances in computer science — I was the first person to use “LOL” online.
- And who can forget the many education reforms for which I am responsible? I am the main reason why, back in the early 1970s, the Ohio State Board of Education considered establishing ‘G’ as a grade.
So, the smart money is on some Clint McElroy statuary in the future. I say “in the future” because, traditionally, the powers-that-be wait until after somebody kicks the bucket before they honor him or her in marble. Since that probably means I won’t be there when my statue is unveiled, I need to use some imagination to picture it. But not just MY imagination. I reached out to some dear, dear friends to give THEIR suggestion for what a statue of good ole Clinton E. McElroy would look like.
- My lovely bride Carol said it would be me sitting on a sofa with my Acer in my lap, mouse in one hand and a Coke Zero in the other. Others sent in variations on this same theme.
- My son Travis replaced the mouse with a big honking remote control (probably the wrong one for whichever device I am manipulating).
- Youngest son Griffin substituted an Xbox controller, just as I am getting ready to throw it across the room.
- Oldest son Justin says my head should be adorned with devil horns as I grin maniacally into my cell phone, waking him up from an angelic slumber at 8 a.m. to answer my text about what my statue should look like.
- My insurance agent, C.E. Wilson, also suggested me sitting…on a commode, trying to memorize lines in a play script, as I yell out “May I have a little privacy, please!” This is what comes from your insurance agent knowing FAR too much about you.
- My buddy Chuck Minsker gave it waaaay too much thought. He did some research and learned about the classic configurations of statues. If the subject is seated on a horse with one of its hooves off the ground, the subject was wounded in battle. Two hooves in the air means he or she was killed in combat. He says my horse should be lying on the ground.
- However, not everyone envisions me as being so sedentary. Huntington Mayor Steve Williams thinks it should be somewhat reminiscent of the Collis P. statue you read about in this issue. He sees me in a morning coat and top hat, with cane in one hand and a microphone in the other. The mayor goes on to say the statue should be wearing tennis shorts and high top sneakers with a set of theatrical masks hanging off the cane.
- Thank goodness for my director-in-law, Mary Smirl. She is the only one who took this seriously! She sees me in a truly heroic pose. She says it should be me looking like King Triton, lording over all I survey with my magnificent trident! But, then she ruined it by saying there should be a huge slice of pizza on the end of the trident and a comic book in my other hand. I guess that’s not as heroic as I thought.
In desperation, I turned to Twitter and asked the same question to my followers and got one truly inspired suggestion:
You know what, Xaret? I can so live with that. Thanks. OK, powers-that-be, it’s time to get to work.
