By Clint McElroy
HQ 110 | SUMMER 2020
Carol and I had some big, big plans before our COVID Captivity put the kibosh on them. Maybe one of those plans should be to stop using words like “kibosh,” so you don’t sound like a character from an Abbott and Costello routine.
The plan we were most jazzed about was doing some international traveling. Both of us have retired and we finally find ourselves in a decent enough financial position to dip our toes in the Rick Steves / Samantha Brown / Phil Rosenthal pool. In case you don’t know, Rosenthal is the creator of the TV show Everybody Loves Raymond who hosts a similarly-titled food and travel show called Somebody Feed Phil. The show is great! It entertains, enlightens and delights in equal measure. If you like the wonderful Katie Lee — featured a few pages previous to this column — you will get a kick out of Phil.
Then came COVID-19, so for months the only traveling we did was to the basement to see if the cat had hurled up another hairball. Today, we still don’t know how long it will be before we are able to globetrot the way we planned, but as an eternal optimist I am convinced that day will come. It has to! Because I have questions that can only be answered by personally visiting these foreign lands and speaking to people face to face. Some of my queries include:
Australia: What is your roadkill like? In the United States we have deer and opossums and turtles. Do you have the carcasses of kangaroos, wallabies and emus strewn about the highways Down Under?
France: So much of our cuisine is named for you.I wonder, is the reverse true? Do you dip American fries in ketchup? Do you pour syrup over American toast? What kind of croutons go with American dressing? And I’m afraid to learn what American kissing would consist of.
Spain: Could I function in your country after spending three semesters in high school and four in college trying to learn your language? I remember “biblioteca” and “baño,” so if I need to use the bathroom in a library, I am good to go. I also remember, “Tia Luisa, por qué grita,” just in case I need to ask Aunt Louise why she is shouting.
Scotland: Did you know you are one of my wife Carol’s favorite countries? She tells me I look good in a kilt. She is always using your tape to wrap gifts. And she has a particular fondness for your namesake beverage, especially the single malt variety.
England: Have I ever properly thanked you for sharing Monty Python with us? Not to mention The Beatles and Doctor Who. And I feel like I should apologize because all we ever gave you in return was Austin Powers. (Although we did take Simon Cowell off your hands, so maybe we’re even.)
This list is by no means complete. I have questions for Venice about blinds and for China about table settings. But for now, this will do. Now more than ever, I wish you and yours safe travels. See you out there …
