By Clint McElroy
HQ 77 | SPRING 2012
My life has become The Blind Side. You know, the movie where Sandra Bullock plays a strong-willed, tough-talking and incredibly hot woman whose family finds a hulking homeless behemoth named Michael Oher living on his own in the mean streets, then takes him in and helps him become a part of the family – and a first round draft pick of the Baltimore Ravens?
Yep, that’s my life now. The similarities are chilling.
My wife – the strong-willed, tough-talking and incredibly hot Carol McElroy – came across a dog. “He’s just a sweet little puppy,” she told me, “and he’s freezing.” We made every effort to find out if anyone was missing a “sweet little puppy” matching his description, but we found nothing. “Let’s take him home,” she said.
“He’s so cuuuuuuuute!” And yes, there were easily eight u’s in the way she said “cute.”
So I went there and picked up the dog, sight unseen. And that moment was when I learned a very important truth about this woman I love: She lies.
When you think of the words “sweet little puppy” and “cuuuuuuuute” (eight u’s), do you picture a massive Humvee of a creature? Me either. If you threw a saddle on the back of this “puppy,” you could ride him in the Ironton Memorial Day Parade.
He is 45 pounds of face-licking, lap-jumping, paper towel-eating canine. I have no idea if the real Michael Oher has ever consumed mass quantities of Bounty, but the other similarities are striking:
1) Both are very quiet. Remember how “Big Mike” barely spoke in The Blind Side? This new dog of mine has yet to bark or growl. He barely makes a sound, hence the name “Harpo,” given in memory of the harp-playing Marx Brother who never talked. I wonder if Michael Oher would whine if he were put in a kennel to sleep. I know I would.
2) Both Harpo and Big Mike had to find a way to fit in with their new families. Carol has two cats from a previous marriage. Harpo finds his new feline siblings – Sylvio and Trudy – fascinating. They, in turn, find him repulsive. Harpo would like nothing better than to play with them all day. They, in turn, would like nothing better than to drop an anvil on his head, a la Tom and Jerry.
3) Michael Oher learned to play football and eventually made a lot of money knocking people down in the NFL. So far, Harpo has knocked down me, Carol, two end tables, a kitchen chair, a potted plant, my entire Captain Action collection – they aren’t dolls, they’re action figures – and one pint-sized grand-daughter. That last tackle got him a very stern talking-to by said pint-sized granddaughter.
4) And, of course, both Big Mike and Harpo were cared for by incredibly hot women.
Now that I’ve gotten over the initial shock of taking in Harpo, I’ve moved on to another question: How do dogs do it? How do they make us fall in love with them like that? I was perfectly happy with my nice little life. I didn’t have to get up a half-hour earlier (3:30 a.m. for those of you who are stalking me) to take a certain someone for a walk in the pouring rain. I didn’t have to remove potted plant dirt stains from my brand-new recliner. I didn’t have to break up interspecies WWE bouts in my living room. Everything was fantastic in my life. And now?
Now – everything is even more fantastic.
I am crazy about the big Clydesdale. How can you not love someone who is so very happy to see you every time you walk in the door that he pees himself?
Welcome to the family, Harpo.
By the way, I read that the real Michael Oher rolled his ankle in the AFC Championship game. If he is unable to play next season, Ravens, I know a furry counterpart who is just as adept at knocking people down. And you can pay him in paper towels!
How can you lose?
And the adventure continues…
