By Clint McElroy
HQ 128 | Winter 2025
Every Christmas Eve my mom and dad would read us three holiday works of tremendous importance: the story of Jesus’ birth from the Bible, How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss and A Visit from St. Nicholas by Clement Clarke Moore. In my opinion, all three stories have stood the test of time. My grandkids, however, don’t seem to have the same emotional attachment to Mr. Moore’s classic poem as I do. As such, I think it could do with a little updating for the modern age:
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring or clicking a mouse;
The webcams were placed by the chimney with care,
For video proof that St. Nick had been there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Xboxes danced in their heads;
And mom with her Kindle, and I with my phone,
Read Janet Evanovich and shopped for ringtones;
When out on the driveway there came a commotion,
And I was glad my ADT had a sensor for motion;
To the window I leapt, with fear in my mind,
’Cause I never can figure out our venetian blinds.
The moon shone down on my new solar panels,
And the clear sky made me say, “Thanks, Weather Channel”;
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a red SUV with a fine wood veneer;
The driver got out, and although it was dark,
He looked like John Hammond from Jurassic Park.
He stood there and yelled, in a tone rather bossy,
“Let’s go, you guys!” He had brought his own posse!
He called to the eight and they hastily came;
“Go set up the ladder,” he ordered and called them by name:
“Go, Cartman! Go, Kenny! Go, Chewbacca and Yoda!
Now, Taylor! Now, Travis! Now, Jenna and Hoda!
I’ll slide down the chimney to the house below;
I’ll be inside and out before they ever know.”
But I woke up my wife and my daughter and son,
And we ran to the panic room and called 9-1-1;
The alarms, how they sounded, the clanging so sweet;
The burglar and cronies beat a hasty retreat.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove through the mist,
“You’ve earned permanent status on my naughty list!”
On second thought, maybe the original version was just fine. Happy Holidays to everyone!
