By Clint McElroy
HQ 127 | AUTUMN 2024
Sept. 2, 2059
Dear Jack, Sorry my column is late, but at my age I think it’s lucky that I remember to do anything on time. When you turn 104 years old like me, you’ll see what I mean. — Clint
I can’t believe it! The 70th anniversary of HQ! It seems like only yesterday we were celebrating the 35th anniversary. To mark the magazine’s platinum jubilee, I’ve decided to look back at some of my favorite columns from the last 35 years:
HQ Summer 2027: My interview with Governor Babydog was delightful. The governor’s charming personality and commitment to the state was a breath of fresh air. I was honored that she chose my column to announce her candidacy for president of the United States.
HQ Winter 2030: I revealed that I had successfully used quantum physics to replicate Chili Willi’s Cadillac Nachos and Texas Red Chili. However, when I refused to share my findings with HQ’s readers, Editor Jack Houvouras suspended me for three months.
HQ Spring 2039: Longtime WSAZ News Anchor Tim Irr sat down with me to talk about his upcoming retirement. He finally admitted that he was, indeed, wearing jorts whenever he sat behind the news desk.
HQ Summer 2039: I wrote a column applauding the return of Tim Irr to the WSAZ airwaves. Viewers didn’t care for his replacement, an AI bot named TIM V-R. They said the new guy’s hair wasn’t as good as real Tim’s.
HQ Fall 2047: Huntington Mayor Mac McElroy IV announced that the city was one of three finalists for the 2048 Summer Olympics. The mayor stated the city would use all the arenas and sports venues built for the event to reinstate professional sports here with the return of the Huntington Blizzard, Huntington Cubs and River Cities Locomotives.
HQ Fall 2048: With a heavy heart, Mayor Mac McElroy IV announced that the International Olympic Committee did NOT select Huntington as the site for the 2048 Games. Mayor McElroy told me they were actually relieved that their dreams of new stadiums and arenas were dashed. Said McElroy, “I didn’t know the Olympic committee expected us to pay for all that stuff.”
HQ Winter 2052: It was such an honor to finally be asked to serve as the commencement speaker at the Marshall University graduation ceremony. I firmly denied that my invitation was in any way connected to my gifting $10 million to the university for the establishment of the McElroy School of Podcasting.
HQ Spring 2053: I recounted the highly amusing story of showing up at the Marshall University commencement only to find out there was a mistake with my invitation. It was meant to go to my grandson Flint McElroy who had recently won the Nobel Peace Prize for brokering a treaty between Marshall and West Virginia University.
HQ Summer 2055: Apparently, I have some pretty impressive offspring. I wrote about how my other grandson Collis P. McElroy won the Nobel Prize in Chemistry. He invented a low-cost polymer that self-replicates and hardens to fill any empty space. He used it to put an end to 184 years of potholes in Huntington.
Memories, memories. I am looking forward to being thawed out of suspended animation in 2089 to write in HQ’s 100th anniversary issue!
